April 1, 2012.
If you've been a long time reader then you know that on April Fools Day I always post something completely untrue. A couple of examples from the past (Manslaughter Mary) & (Lobster Whistle). Its becoming more daunting for me to fool anyone as the years go by so this year I'm going to try something novel. I've decided to post a very personal truth.
Depression. For somebody that deals with depression it can be really hard to explain it to someone who has never had to deal with it. Some days I wake up and am completely overwhelmed by feelings that are hard to explain. Sadness, sorrow and just a general gloominess seems to overshadow my every thought. I truly understand the word “melancholy”.
The more I think about it the more it bothers me. What could I possibly have to be depressed about. I live a charmed life with a woman I love. I have a summer job that I enjoy and spend my winters in paradise. It makes matters worse because I feel like I don't have the right to be sad about anything. Its like a college kid complaining that the Ferrari he got for his birthday was blue.
On days like this my confidence just seems to abandon me. Should we leave today or should we stay. Should we reef or should we let it all fly. Will this this anchorage be safe for us tonight?
I don't understand how things can be so different from one day to the next. I consider myself to be pretty cocksure. I know where I'm going. I know how to get us there safely and I'm not afraid to try some place new. I realize that I'm not a “planner”, I react. When things go to shit my first reaction is usually the right one. But on other days I second guess myself to no end. Not because things are changing but rather that I’m unsure which decision is the right one. Some days are just completely overwhelming for no good reason.
Its a condition that I find shameful, a weakness. I've never discussed it with anyone because I find the notion embarrassing. Its easier to type it here rather than to look someone in the eye and try to explain an irrational feeling of doom and gloom. I know what type of person I am but its just weird to have doubts about your self worth.
Another issue I have been dealing with is the need to lie my ass off on April First. I can't help it, I enjoy it. So yes, once again I've lied to you. Happy April. I realize that depression is a genuine condition for loads of people and I'm not making light of that. I'm just lying to my friends....